01/1/24

Happy new year! i didnt think id make it this far. I turn 19 this year, which means i can buy ALCOHOL!.. My resulution is so go to the gym, get my Rv camper finally, and move to the city for the summer. Can i do it, i dunno. I also just quit my job at the factory. So new year Really new me. Hoping to get something more regular than 5:30 pm to 3:30 am.. I have a second job so its not terrible, but its not enough to save up for my car so i gotta get anotha. Other than that, i havent updated this blog in forever! Ive been going to a ton of gigs in halifax, and on the 6th im going to another.. Unfortantly my favorite band wont be playing anymore cus they couldnt make it, but its still gonna kickass. Hopefully i dont get kicked in the fucking dick again by some crackhead tho. hahah

08/25/23

Awesomeest fucking thing I've ever been to. Our tent gave out at the end, but besides that the music was fucking incredible and the people were even cooler. I got my machete signed by a lot of bands, and scored like 3 band shirts and a couple CDs!!! I climbed up a tree to help set the tarps and shit, I got cut a couple times.. this but not in the rain would be fuckin perfect. That was the only issue. But also it made it like 10 Times more brutal and I liked that. Got thrown around in the pit like a mother fucker, lost my phone in all the mud hahaha. Fucking wild. Coming back with the camper.

08/23/23

woke up with extreme pains in my stomach the other day, though it went away after i took a shit. so i assumed it was just constipation or something stupid like that, but its back, and brought back and neck pain with it, aswell as a sore throat. Im going to a festival in 1 day and i cant fuckin die right now. its my first metal fest. i need to get drunk and do drugs this weekend like ive been planning for the past month. I got some painkillers, so im gonna just ride this crap out. Hopefully its nothing too serious, my mother had appendicitis and said that my symtoms sound really simular. im gonna be pretty fuckin mad if i have to get my fucking appendix removed.

08/09/23

Today my cat died.She was put down because she had mouth cancer. Her name was Robo, and i had her for 9 years. When we got her she was an old girl, its safe to say she was about 17. She was a strong little kitty, and kept hunting till the very end. I wasnt living with my mom when we first got Robo, she adopted her off the street and surpirsed me I moved back. Her name came from the fact that she had a very raspy meow, kindof like a robot. She was also very jittery and weird, but she was the most loving and kind cat ive ever had. When we first got her she started brutally killing animals and kept leaving them in the house as gifts. she was also very fat, though she lost a lot of weight before her death. She would sit on my lap and sleep there, and would even let me give her baths. She never bit me once, never scratched, never got mad. Even when she was close to death, she was so sweet and gentle, and her purr was so loud. she was put down today while i was at work, without me having any say in it, or getting a last goodbye. i got to take her on one last walk in a beautiful feild though, and ill always remember that. All i have left of her is her collar and a tooth. Goodbye baby, i love you. Thank you for everything

08/03/23

i need a drastic change in enviroment. im not unhappy with life i guess, just bored. im living a very different reality from others constantly. i crave the unknown, the gross and disturbing.. danger. life would be miserable without danger. it gets me off in a way i suppose.. ive mentioned it beforem i have an adrenline problem. will i ever stop doing what i want? nope. getting hurt is a risk im willing to take always. anyways.... My cat is dying. its the first death ive experienced and im not really sure how to handle it. shes not my first cat but my oldest, and now shes withering away.. poor girl is in so much pain, i just hope she rests easy.

07/20/23

Too many Shrooms. it happens, wasnt having a good day to begin with. Im better now! last report i was going a little nuts. Im just getting over a hangover, drank a whole bottle of vodka and took about 1g of shrooms the other night... yestreday i was pretty fuckin sick and thought i was gonna die. And I broke my fucking tooth! I went to the dentist today and they only filled one tooth ( my teeth are always fucking broken ) so i tried to book another appointment, but my INSURANCE runs out in 3 days, so i had to go BACK to the dentist 4 hours later because that was the only time they had avalibility until fuckin AUGUST. So i got my mouth fucked with a lot today. Had to get a needle a total of 4 times cus my mouth wouldnt numb for some reason. Im not afraid of the dentist anymore, i dont mind it i guess. Anyways im not taking shrooms until the 25th, because im going to a METAL FESTIVAL! Its for 3 Days straight, $80 including the camping spot AND the days. Its BYOB, so thats why im stayin sober for now. Well not sober, i smoked some weed but thats not anythihg. Once you start experimenting, at least for me, i find weed kindof just makes me more... retarded. more slow, paranoid, hungry... its definietly a thinking drug when used right, i smoked before writing tonight and i find it much easier but out SIDE of that it makes life more difficult. I already think i have Asphergers. Or autism, whatever, i relate to the defintion of aspie more tho.

07/16/23

i fucking hate everything. i want to kill everything. iwant to beat everyone i hate to death and fucking stomp on their faces over and over and fuckng over again. imean all of this. everyone i meet is disgusting. all iwant todo is hurt them all. torture too, i dont even care. everyoine mocks me and thinks im just crazy I FUCKING DONT EVEN CARE IF IM CRAZY I JUST WANT OTHERS TO FUCKING HANGOUT WITH ME. I JUST WANT SOMEONJE TO FUCKING. I DONT KNOW im crying like a little bitch it feels so fucking over, EVRYTHING GFEELS OVER i fucking FUCK! fuck it all. FUCK YOU PEOPLE YOU LAZY BORING SACKS OF SHIT!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!

07/15/23

Been doing some soul searching again. though i feel glorious about most of the things ive learned, theres something that always seems to bug me... im well aware im off and different from people, but i find that most people now LACK curiosity and wonder for the world. they dont take whatever is thrown at them on in the moment, and they complain a fuckin lot. i find people who are the oppisite, who dont let you relax when you feel youve reached your limit, or areselfish and non willing to bargain on ANYTHING. i understand because i am more of a selfish person than not, but god. its strange! i dont feel anger towards anyone, i only wish to bond! sometimes i get the urge to attack them but i dont. i wish there was less hostility in the world when it came to people, i wish i didnt have to feel as though everything is a threat. i want peace! ive been lucky so far with my life, i handeled the worst as a child. sexual abuse, NORMAL abuse, being taken from my mother plus the weight of social norms and how i wanted to live and express myself, really matured me alot. but im in full control right now. right NOW.. i dont seem to be deeply affected by much. ill have moments where i act risky but i can come back to reality just as quick as i fall out of it.

06/17/23

I almost have 2k saved up so far, in about 3 more months i should have enough to buy my RV. I make $17 an hour where i work, and theyre around 3-6k... i not sure why theyre so cheap out of all the cars, i mean its a fuckin house so i dont know why its less expensive but im not complaining. I want an old school model, and i wanna paint it on the outside and put some stickers onit, yknow just spice it up, make it mine. The goal is to get it as soon as possible so my gf can come visit me. shes in the US, im in canada. were only 11 hours apart though, so thats lucky :-)! ill have my full license in december. After that, i wanna save up to travel. Las Vegas, I thought it would be more expensive but turns out as long as you arent in a hotel, its not that bad. Thats what having an RV is good for; its not called a motorHOME for nothing. I could easily just ship it out there and take a plane with gf, then we could stay for like fuck, i dont know, a month? that seems good. Although the drinking age in the US is 21, and im not gonna be 21 for a couple years, So maybe its gonna be farther in the future than i thought. Still fun to think about though!

06/07/2023

It's weird that people don't think mermaids exist. Sure, ScIeNcE is on your side or whatever, but who would want to be that boring? People often get angry at conspiracy theorists, which is weird because 99% of the time they're only saying stuff about hating the government. There's no need to even be angry unless you ARE the government. They're not even on your side! Ive dealt with these demons all my life, constantly trying to scare me into being "normal" with their pessimism and uncreative minds.. They say there's no meaning to life, as if that's a bad thing. You're right, there is no meaning. It's what you make of it. I don't get how people can be so dull. I get little of anything anymore. I am just an idiopathic person attempting to escape my predetermined existence. Whats so wrong about that?

06/03/2023

When you see yourself through someone elses eyes, you notice that you arent living up to your own self image. Self-awareness is part of the never-ending process of losing ones sanity, once you become aware of everything; every side to every story, every thought, every conspiracy, just everything, life gets boring. and when life goes boring, boring goes dangerous. i would consider myself a socialist. Not that i know much about politics, but i seem to align.I am hated and called hateful but I do not hate anyone at all. Not unless they are damaging to the world. I wish I knew what i came off across as completely, I seem to have small peices figured out but nothing solid. Some see me as weird and offensive, others see me as attractive, and some see me as an abomination who should be shot. I am aware i will never be percieved as who i truely am by anyone besides myself, which opens doors. Not all good, not all bad, but theyre open, and anything can from it. So why not see it all? Life is only there when youre in it. without Death, there is no life. All you are is what you think you are, until you arent. This isnt negative, this is reality. beyond judgement and hate, there is beauty in life that we need to focus on and explore. My eyes are slowly opening, one day i will know exactly what i have to do.

06/01/2023

Ive watched the sun rise a dozen times now. Its summer, my favorite season, and I feel alive again. Last weekend I gave into something dark, and the smell of death has been following me everywhere. I had questions that I needed answered, and they were. Though it was poorly executed, staggering, demented and morally illicit, the guilt only lasted about a day, and now I am left feeling unsatisfied. I learned what im capable of, but something isnt right. Am I ashamed, or am I just sick? What is it about destruction that craves me?